Lately, I have found myself having an even harder time getting back into a routine with my God time/Quiet time. I know that it is so important for my faith, but I just feel like it often becomes a chore, something I put on a to-do list, and something I just dread. Which I know I shouldn’t. I want to have the heart to be able to do it as enjoyment to know that it feeds my soul. I was quite the journaler for a while, like everyday for almost a year, and then I found I wasn’t getting much out of it. You can read more about my up/down relationship with journaling here. I want to feel close to God, I don’t just want my time with Him to mundane even if I am doing mundane things.
At the same time though I also do not want to be inconsistent with my time with God because I know that is what makes me feel close to Him and build a relationship with Him. And I feel very guilty right now because I do not feel close to God, in my relationship with Him, even though I pray and think about Him daily and am getting into the word often, I am being really inconsistent. With that I am feeling really guilty and find myself hiding that sin from God.
Now I know that doing these things, or doing anything for that matter is not what saves me, God’s grace does. And God’s grace is what also forgives me from my guilt. A feeling is also not what I should base my salvation on, for feelings much like this are fleeting and up and down.
What I want is to spend enough time with God to feel close to Him again, and to feel like my faith is “strong”. Knowing that I will have a dry spell again eventually. I want to find something I enjoy doing with Him, to growing in relationship with Him, but not dread doing it or counting down the seconds until I am done. I also want to get over the guilt that follows me when it seems as though I am not doing works to earn my faith, as that is a lie being told to me. I don’t have to earn my faith.
I know a lot us struggle with the highs and lows of how we feel in our faith, and often associate our loyalty to retain actions with that. Sometimes trying to find a way to change it up but still get back to that relational place with God is really hard. I just wanted to let you know I am in the boat with you.
Too often the stories of when we failed play in our minds on repeat and they start leaving marks on us. Especially when we feel as though we have failed God, we revert back to our old habits because we feel as though there is no hope, when that can’t be further from the truth. God is the head of a church filled with imperfect people and He loves us that way because it means we need Him. He doesn’t condemn us, He forgives us and restores us, because He died on the cross for us and that this the most important thing.