Wow! I have to say that summer really flew by and now it is time to enter another school year. Although I could have many emotions when it comes to the start of a new semester often times I have a lot of anxiety and stress. It is no difference this year, and I have to say going into this new school year I am a little scared. Even though over the years I have gotten a little better at handling my nerves I have to say this year is bringing about its own fears.
I ended up changing schools and going back to the school I originally went to. That means going back to a church that I was really a part of over a year ago, but not as much last year. It means that I am nervous about making friends because the main thing I was involved in before I am not going to be a part of now. Being completely on my own this time round, having my own apartment and everything makes it even more important that I get out of my introverted ways and meet new people, and make an effort to make new friends.
I am also changing my major. With that and being at a different school again means learning new dynamics to classes, being more challenged, and having to organize for expectations I don’t know clearly. It also means navigating what I really want to do within that major and a whole lot of other questions, that seem to come up when you are starting the second half of college and the end seems far closer than you remember it being.
What do I need to do to be successful? Do I need to study abroad? Do I need to find an internship? What new clubs to I need to be a part of to boost my resume? What can I do to gain leadership experience? I need to get good grades. I want to be involved at my church. I need to save money. I need to think of the best suited plan.
My decisions are now more clearly than ever impacting my future, and although I thought I was preparing and was doing a good job, ow I really feel as though I was not as far along as I should have been. I do not really have anything figured out that I need to.
I am scared of the lack of many of the desires that we feel necessary in our hearts. I am scared not to be loved, not to have friends or people who truly know me. I am scared of not meeting the expectations I have for myself or that others have for me. Whether that be for grades, jobs, clubs, resumes. I am scared that I won’t figure out my worldly purpose or passion or that I won’t have what I need to get there. I am scared of the amount of confusion I have when I look at things of this world. But, all of these desires are filled by God, planned by God, and the amount of confusion this world gives; is of this world not of God.
I have to say even as these thoughts, fears, anxieties, and stressors still fill my head and leave my captive, I know that these are the chains that God frees me from. I soon realized that rather than dueling on it all inside my brain or trying to do it on my own that I needed to bring God into it. I needed to pray and live in the truths that God tells me.
He knows my path before me, and will lead me and take me where I need to be. He will make the correct opportunities available and make them happen. If I let God come in, He can calm me and comfort me. He is in control of it all. He knows my purpose and how I will get there. It may not be the conventional way I wanted it to be when I walked into my freshman year, and it may not end in the conventional future I picture in my head. It may not fit into the perfectionist box, that I am clearly in. AND THAT IS OKAY.
The reason it is okay is because all the mess thus far and all the mess to come has literally been a part of God’s plan all along. He has used it to make me stronger, teach me lessons, push me harder, and show me more of the FREEDOM I have when I do trust HIM.
Now I am not saying I now have it all completely figured out, all I do is trust God. That is so not the case. I am human and I am sinful, I fall into that same run in with fear all the time. I just have to keep reminding myself to leave it up to God. I need to remind myself to not be held in chains by my fear. And you can too, no one will be perfect at it. Otherwise we would not need a God to save us from our fear in the first place, but He has it and sometimes when it seems like all hope is lost and it all is or will go wrong. There is hope in our amazing, saving, freedom giving Jesus.
“Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar”-Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, because the Lord your God will go with you. He will never leave you or forsake you” – Deuteronomy 31:6
“I sought the Lord, He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears” -Psalm 34:4
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”- John 14:27