These past few weeks and months and maybe 2020 so far has been hard. I know it has been difficult for so many people in so many different ways. We are all personally in pain, in pain as a community, as a nation, and as the world. So, many things have been very painful. I have even had a really hard time coming up with what to write for this post, because there are things I don’t feel qualified to comment on, there are ways that I know I am struggling less than others and so where is the importance of my voice, and I also just don’t like being in a hard season and almost feel like I am sharing negativity in some way. But the point of this blog was to be authentic, and to share the ups and downs of transition and in a season that is very much that for me, I need to share that.
I have cried a lot and been frustrated with God these past few months and even more these last few weeks. Time has seemed to have gone by fast this year, but also really slow. It has been a year of growth this year. But, it also a year that I just wish that I could skip ahead. For me, I not only tend to internalize my own pain, but I also tend to grieve the pain of others, especially those closest to me. The pain of injustice, hardships, loss, loneliness, worry, grief, despair, and hopelessness.
This last week has consisted of me begging God for change, it has been begging for change in hearts, in minds, and in my personal situation and for those closest to me. Do I need to reevaluate something? How do I make my dreams more successful? Is there something that is not getting communicated? Are there too many people doing this same thing? Am I behind? How come some people get opportunities dropped in their lap for things that they just found as interesting, and I am over here working my but off in many different areas just to get the one opportunity that can be the stepping stone. And then the people that are supporting that person no matter what, are not supporting me too, or seeing the effort I am putting in, or helping me in my field , but are rather asking me to lower my standards because I am just not “good enough” or are not working hard enough. What can I and should I be doing? Where should I be going? How can I be there for those around me, even when I am hurting too?
I really have no answers to any of these questions or feelings. I know I should feel like God is good, because He is good. I know I should feel like God is faithful, because He is faithful. I know I should feel like God is hope, because He is hope. I know I should feel like God is merciful because He is. And I know if I am going out there and encouraging others to believe these things, I should be grasping them completely in my heart too, not being overly frustrated at God because I can’t see the plan or the way that this is all working out that is those things.
Just look at the cross and the life to come. I have hope in the new kingdom with Jesus and that, that kingdom will be brought to earth.
So, whatever your pain in this season, because I know there probably is some, please know that you are not alone in it. We all just need some hope and hugs.