I have to say these last few weeks, and maybe even the last couple of months I have felt like I am in this weird in-between, or that I was in a time where I could make other decisions. Or that maybe I wanted to make other decisions just to feel like something had actually been done to change versus, me just thinking about the possibilities of change or just sitting in the waiting. I felt like once something was set in stone or seemed stable I wouldn’t feel antsy about some of the other things going on in my life.
I felt like I should change a church scenario, my job search, possibly location, relationships, etc. But the thing is, is that once one thing got stable it did not get rid of the discontentment in my heart, it just brought other things up. It brought up the insecurities, the wanting something to not be a process, to have different relationships, to be out of COVID, to still move. But, the thing is I need to sit in the season I am in.
The hard thing about sitting in the season I am in, is that it seems like I am very stable and secure where I am at, whereas many other things and people around me seem in motion, and some of those things affect me too. So, although I feel provided for in a basic needs sort of way, I don’t know how to grieve or make all the change and situations around me feel real, especially in a point in time where a lot of things don’t feel real. It seems as if a lot of the aspects I grew to know during my college life, that I thought were going to stay the same, ended up changing. So maybe I felt like I should have made a more drastic change along with it.
But, I know that God has placed me where He has me in this season for a reason. If ever there was a time in my life that I saw Him moving and working it would be now. He has a purpose for me in this season whether it lasts for a month, a year, or more. What I need to realize about this season is that I really need to just be present for it. I need to stop trying to plan the future and just take things day by day, because God only gives us the mercy to handle the worries of the day. If God calls me to change something, He will let me know, I need to stop second guessing my decisions and just stick to the things He has blessed me with.
In the same vain, I think I can tend to worry, plan, or dream about the future without dealing with all the feelings and stuff going on in my heart currently. I know that I need to rest and stop making it about the things to come, and really walk through what is the here and now. And maybe it is because those things seem fluid that it seem difficult to deal with, or maybe it is the lies Satan tells us.
All I know is I am praying right now for God to allow me to be present and content where I am at, and to work through my feelings. But, also pray that I have open hands each day, to what God is calling me into currently and in the near future.